Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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