Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
