one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Every concussion has its silver lining
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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