never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
