im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
