Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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