I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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