only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
