The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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