Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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