the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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