So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
