just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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