My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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