you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you bring me the toilet please
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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