Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
