Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
