I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
