i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
