my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
