My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
