I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
