Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
