She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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