i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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