i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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