Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
