Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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