While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
