I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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