conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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