I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
