you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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