there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
