There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
