i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
