I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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