i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
