i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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