There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
