every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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