I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
