I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
