Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
