I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
