well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
