the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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