You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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