They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
