Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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