I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
