be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
