Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
