Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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