I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
