She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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